If you were sexually abused/assaulted you shouldn’t like or enjoy sex!

Photo by Dainis Graveris: https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-of-grapefruit-3773659/

THE BACKGROUND

I was 9 years old the first time my stepfather touched me sexually. I wasn’t busty, curvy, or even sexually curious as yet. My mom was pregnant, with who would have been my youngest sister at the time, and she would go to work while my stepfather oversaw the addition of a second level to our family home. I was left there with the assumption that I was safe, and that I would be able to help with some of the chores around the house until she got back.

In our home, affection was normal. We would hug, say I love you, give kisses on the cheeks hello and goodbye… this was my normal. So, the first time my stepfather pulled me in for tickles when my mom wasn’t around, it didn’t feel threatening… until it morphed into light brushes on my flat chest or private parts.

I also didn’t understand my body to be a sexual thing at that age. I was well aware of where babies came from, and what it took to get them there, but I was also well aware that that was a mature adult task that I didn’t have to worry about until marriage.

Without giving the gory details, the touching intensified to where I became aware it was wrong. I felt like I was doing something wrong, so I didn’t say anything.

I was 13 years old when I was raped and still didn’t say anything because I didn’t know that not all rape looks the same. I wasn’t battered or beaten. I wasn’t bruised all over my body. I didn’t look like what I was told rape looks like. I was groomed into a state of fear and self hate, so that when I was fully taken against my will, all I could do was lay there in tears bleeding and not understanding why me, and if I was a willing participant in my own pain and violation.

CURRENT SITUATION

I am now 35 years old, married with 2 kids and haven’t had contact with my abuser in over 20 years. The lost 2 years you’re wondering about is how long it took for me, through my own growth, to realize that it wasn’t my fault and that I needed to tell, and talk, and seek truth.

In either case, here I am now. Years down the line with 4+ years of regular sexual abuse behind me and, I love sex! I wish that more people who I have shared my past with were able to accept that this is possible, but apparently it is an unpopular stance. As a matter of fact, being a Christian, while loving sex even after abuse, is even more unpopular.

So I am here to say:

Nana Nana boo boo!

Photo by Wilson Vitorino from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-doing-tongue-out-3115640/

The thing is, I am tired of people thinking that I need to revictimize myself everytime I feel desire for my husband, desire to be touched and loved in the right way, or the right to enjoy that natural pleasure.

I am tired of Christians behaving as if sex is bad and should be locked away so it doesn’t hurt people. Sex is not the issue! It’s the people who manipulate sex into something that does hurt and inflict pain on others. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t so taboo of a topic in many homes, where you get the basic science and told stay away from it, kids would be more open to discussing their emotions, experiences, and understanding of sex and sexual experiences.

Is it so hard to believe that as a young Christian, God was able to speak to my spirit and heal the trauma associated with sex? I used to pray to have the memories of the touches taken away; to not be repulsed by my own body, and to not feel dirty when I saw a boy I liked or felt attracted to. Is it so far fetched that the same God who created sex would have rectified within me the negative interpretations of sex so that I could be married and enjoy my husband?

Sex is beautiful and energizing. Its natural, and if you’ve ever done it well (and done it right) you know that it’s also spiritually uplifting. Now, we all have our comfort levels in the bedroom and I’m not here to discuss that. Just please stop shaming women who have been able to reclaim their bodies and minds after sexual abuse or assault.

When a women says “I was raped, but I love sex.”, celebrate that. Allow them to have the win, and if they are Christian, allow God to have the win too. Don’t assume something broken can’t be put back together or repurposed for something new. Don’t force them feel shame again for something they couldn’t control. Don’t force them to experience sex as a an act that should be bad.

This is what a lot of society and Christian people are doing. Could you please let the Christian women, abused or not, feel okay with saying they love sex? Especially the married ones!

Stop behaving as if its just men who want it, ask for it or seek it out. Do you know how many women are upset they have to hunt their husbands for sex?

BUT, that’s a convo for another day… until then, thanks for letting me rant.